In spring 2006, I took a 12-week class at Unity in Chicago on the topic of manifestation. The class taught a prayer-based approach to manifesting your desires. We were encouraged to focus on one specific desire - with a time-frame for its manifestation - and then employ various techniques such as affirmations, visualizations, journaling, and meditation to facilitate the manifestation.

The desire I chose was as follows: "a lover and partner who is perfect for me". I practiced the techniques for a month or two - which also included group prayer sessions. Sometime in April 2006, I met a guy who I quickly became infatuated with. He seemed perfect in every way - attractive, sensitive, committed to healthy living, an environmentalist, a talented singer/songwriter, similar outlook on life. I was convinced that I had "manifested" his presence in my life - that he was the "lover and partner who is perfect for me".

We started dating. I fell in love with him. Yet, he did not feel the same way about me. He found my heart-felt expressions of my feelings to be charming, and refreshing - but he did not share them. And he was not living in Chicago permanently, but rather had a consulting job in Chicago that he worked on several months a year. When I finally told him about how I believed I had manifested his presence, he said he felt uncomfortable, because it seemed to place a certain expectation upon him.

Painful as it was, I had to let go of the idea that he was destined to be my lover and partner. I had to accept that the nature of our relationship would not be as I had envisioned. Because I was so heavily invested in the idea that I had manifested his presence, it was very, very difficult to accept the reality that he didn't want me in the way that I wanted him. For a while, I told myself that on a deep level, he really loved me in the way I loved him, but that he just wasn't awake to or in touch with that love. But mostly this served as a way to forestall admitting to myself that I was wrong. Eventually, I had no choice but to accept the reality of our relationship, because he left Chicago.

During all of 2006 I struggled with the idea of manifestation, and I ultimately realized that the belief that I was manifesting my reality through thoughts, desires, and emotions was one that would hold back my spiritual development. So I let go of it - not because I think that it's false, but because it just doesn't serve me well. That said, I know that everyone is different. I respect that manifestation beliefs and practices may serve others well, and wish them the best in manifesting a life that they love.

This is an email response to a friend about meditation... It seems to sum up my experiences quite well, and so I thought I'd share it:

So you would like to know about my meditation practice. Well, I started meditating in the summer of 2001, doing a practice called Sahaj Marg. This originated in India, however there are chapters of Sahaj Marg meditators all across the world. (It is entirely free - money is never requested, it only requires one's sincere willingness). There are two types of meditation involved in this practice - a heart-centered meditation that you would do in the morning, and when meditating in a group; and then a sort of letting-go/releasing meditation you would do in the evening. I did Sahaj Marg meditation off and on for about 4 years. I feel it to be very powerful. It calmed and softened me, helped me learn to be present, open-minded, and to let go... And perhaps most significantly, it helped to open my heart, which allowed me to experience a much deeper way of being in the world, in my relationships, in my interactions, etc.

In early 2005 I started to get the intuitive feeling that it was time for me to shift the focus of my meditation - to being focused on my whole being, rather than focused on the heart. It indeed took me many months for me to accept and act on this feeling, but finally I did, and I stopped participating in Sahaj Marg group meditations, retreats, and other activities. I learned a bit about other practices, including Taoist meditation and Shamanic journeying. I continued to meditate, but it shifted into a more intuitive, unstructured approach. Now when I meditate, I normally focus (viscerally) on my center of gravity. It's hard to explain more than that, since in my meditation practice, I have acquired "inner" skills - ways of applying my will during meditation that are much more subtle - and can't really be conveyed in words.

Also, I believe it was 2004 when my mind started to clear - both during meditation, and in my day to day activities. By clear, I mean that I could stop my auditory thoughts (i.e. the little voice in your head, that you think of as "I"). This accelerated my learning to meditate while doing things - during my daily activities. By meditate, I mean place all of my attention on doing the activity. This has become a more important form of meditation for me, since I have come to accept that the purpose of my life lies more in applying my intentions through action, and less on achieving deep meditative states or other spiritual experiences.

Here is a statement of goals and purpose that I am submitting for graduate school.

My career goals are rooted in three core passions:
•    Inspired vision of the potential of human beings as individuals, groups and organizations;
•    Love for the richness of the systems and relationships that shape our context; and,
•    Desire to give of my time and talent to empower people from all walks of life.

Having developed organizational awareness as a non-profit co-founder, administrator, grant-writer, and evaluation coordinator, my most immediate goal is to further my insight and skill. With the belief that challenge and conflict bear powerful opportunities when approached in a new way, I seek to develop the skill to intervene in and transform organizational challenges. As individuals performing at their potential are key to achieving systemic change, I seek to learn to empower employees and volunteers to express their leadership and creative potential, aligned with their gifts, passions, and values.

With acquired skills and understanding, I seek to continue to work in the non-profit sector, embedded within an organization at the mid or senior management level.  This desire stems from the belief that the greatest impacts are made through long-term trusting relationships based on shared vision and transparency, and also from the fact that most non-profits have limited resources for dedicated organizational development staffing or consultants. To support my goal of infusing the management structure with organizational development expertise, I wish to also develop expertise in a second area of administration, such as program management, fundraising, operations, or executive leadership.

Within the non-profit sector, I have a special interest in organizations that empower vulnerable populations that deal with challenges such as abuse, addiction, lack of housing, or HIV/AIDS. My belief that challenge and conflict bear powerful opportunities extends to the personal level; I am eager to work in service of helping people fulfill their potential.

If you read my previous post, "Extreme Spirituality", you know that I have been discovering, on an experiential (rather than intellectual) level, the Divine nature of passionate, romantic love - and more broadly, the fact and truth that Divine essence is in all things and people - at all times, and it only takes us coming into conscious (experiential) awareness of this in order for our lives to be transformed. In the last few days, the wellspring of love within me manifested on the physical level. That is to say, I met a beautiful man, and am now smitten! Needless to say, it has been a amazing few days. I noticed after the first day or so that my ego began to become engaged. I started to have perhaps unrealistic fantasies about how this could play out over the long-term; I started to feel insecure about my body and my personality; I allowed myself to consider that he wasn't as perfect for me as I had initially come to see. Noticing this pattern of thoughts, I affirmed (i.e. through prayer) my trust that this relationship would unfold in the perfect way (i.e. that everything that happens will affirm our unique natures and paths through life), and that I am open to and respectful of the highest good for each of us (even if that might mean a conflict with what my ego wants). As I've learned through my 4Ts course, prayer DOES work - so long as it is practiced in an effective manner (this should be obvious - that a lot of prayer is ineffective; it doesn't deliver the desired results). The way that successful prayer works is by changing one's consciousness - by creating within the conditions that one hopes to be expressed on the physical level (or whatever level, depending on what the prayer is about). Once the inner world is a perfect reflection of the fulfillment of the desire, then it is only a matter of time before the outer world responds through manifestation. (This implies that really it's best that the person who wants to benefit from prayer be the one who actually prays). Yes, it's that old "Law of Attraction" thing again. (For an EXCELLENT documentary on the "Law of Attraction", view "The Secret", at: www.whatisthesecret.tv . I was very impressed, and recommend it to everyone.) But I digress... There is more.... So the other night, we were sharing ourselves, and I noticed, in a moment of rest, that I had a subtle feeling of sadness in my heart, but I couldn't tell what it was about it. But I knew that the best way to come to understand its source was to talk about it (or write in my journal). It wasn't the easiest to talk about this... but I did, and something profound happened. After I was finished explaining, he said something like "it is so refreshing to hear someone speak from the heart", and I immediately noticed the nature of the feeling change from sadness to ... gosh, I couldn't sum it up in one word... a beautiful feeling - like swirling, enveloping mists in a mountain-top forest. Last night, I came to greater understanding of this. After I got home from work (and also a concert), I sat in my favorite chair - and noticed my feelings. When I thought of him, I felt a subtle, pure, light feeling - almost like gossamer - in my heart and solar plexus. Intrigued, I pulled out my journal and began to write. With Divine inspiration guiding my pen, I came to understand that my desire is for us to be connected, on a spiritual level, through love. And I believe this is so. But I also desire for both of us to be consciously aware of this truth, and to be consciously open and receptive to all of the beauty and good that is possible when this Divine connection is embraced and trusted. To me, his statement the other night was an affirmation that, on a deep level, he is open and receptive to this truth. So really, the ball is in my court. It's not like he needs to change. It is I who must not doubt that either of us is open and receptive to our true selves, and to the spiritual exchange/union that naturally occurs, by grace. And in doing so, I become aware that we are together in spirit, even when our physical bodies are not. So this is the Kingdom of Heaven... The awareness of and receptivity to the truth that all of our spirits are enveloped in love, at all times, in perfect union.

So I made a discovery recently in my spiritual life, well more of a revelation. For quite a while now I have been making a point to actively appreciate myself; that is, to feel a sense of unconditional appreciation, whenever I notice myself feeling a bit insecure or un-centered. I had become used to sending myself unconditional "agape" love to -re-center, so this was a bit new. The other night, I was pleasuring myself (ahem!), and rather than doing this in a sort of lusty way as I've usually done, I tried doing so with a sense of passionate love (like when you're with a lover), but directing that energy at myself - particularly my sense of self as a Divine being. In other words, I allowed myself fall in love with myself - with the awareness that I am Divine (and so, really I'm falling in love with the Divine, in its human form). All I can say is... WOW! It felt incredible! Who knew that this was possible? I've certainly heard that the serious spiritual seeker should "fall in love" with the Divine. I've been told that if your clearest sense of the Divine is a guru, for example, it is advantageous to let yourself fall in love with the guru (though probably not act on it!). This is what the whole Krishna thing in Hinduism is about - seeing God as a lover. When you're in love, you stop judging the person, and only perceive the beauty and divinity - i.e. the perfect spiritual being. This is no doubt why so much of our culture revolves around this "falling in love" phenomenon - it is the clearest experience of the Divine that most people ever have (although most do not realize it has anything to do with God/Divine). For me, the clearest expression of the Divine has been that which lives within myself - my spiritual feelings. It has taken awhile for me to stop thinking of those feelings as something separate and superior - like the Divine is being injected into my body from another realm (e.g. the Brighter World, as they call it in Sahaj Marg). Instead, coming to regard those spiritual feelings as ME; an inherent part of me, such that the beauty of those feelings is emblematic of my inherent beauty (since I am a Divine being). Since arriving at that place of understanding, now I take the next step - a rather extreme one - falling in love with myself, as Divine. Another mental shift that has happened is the realization that Divine Love isn't anything different from love. Divine Beauty is the same as beauty. What determines whether beauty is Divine is not the attributes of the person who is "beautiful" (i.e. inner beauty vs. physical beauty) but the state of consciousness of the person who is beholding the beauty. Because all things and people ARE Divine! This is not just a cliché! All things and people are Divine! Not just the depths of their souls, but their whole beings! You, the beholder of beauty, has only to become spiritually-aware in order to experience their beauty as Divine, no matter how superficial that beauty might seem to a non-spiritualized state of consciousness. This is, it seems to me, why it's ok, spiritually, to fall in love with money if you're consciously aware that money is simply another manifestation of the Divine - an energetic channel through which the Divine Will acts. So I feel all of this is EXTREME SPIRITUALITY. Move over, skydiving, and the likes! This stuff takes some guts. Or I should say, it takes the transcendence of fear. Fear that you are committing some sort of terrible existential sin, worse than incest, akin to idolatry! This ain't your Puritanical grandma's spirituality... Peace out, Rick

Never underestimate the power of integrity. That's what I tell myself. I am at a stage in my life that if I just follow and act upon my intentions, everything has a magical way of working out and creating prosperity. But it's so easy to NOT do this - to procrastinate, to consume my time with low priority things. I know very well that every time I do this, I am sucking away my power - to be a leader, a master, and servant, and to manifest everything in my life that I wish for. You may be familiar with the Four Agreements: - Do your best at all times - Don't make assumptions - Don't take anything personally - Be impeccable with your word Not that any of these are easy, but the last one has been particularly difficult for me at points in my life. Recently, I've been wanting to volunteer to work with homeless people, however rationalizations and procrastinate have stopped me from getting to it. It will now happen. That is my word. So to end this post on a positive note... I affirm that procrastination has no power over me. I effortlessly follow my intentions to unfold my life's full potential.

On Wednesday nights for the next two months, I am taking a course called the 4Ts: Tithing your Time, Talent and Treasure for Prosperity and Fulfillment. But don't misinterpret - this course is not just about giving. It's about receiving. What is prosperity? It's not simply having good fortune. One who is truly prosperous is "open to the messenger". In one's daily life, we are bombarded with opportunities for increasing our joy, peace, fulfillment - in all ways (relationships, financial, health, enjoyment, community). One who is prosperous recognizes these opportunities, and realizes that they are Divine messages - gifts to be received. Yet often when people are presented with these, they think "Oh, that's not for me. That's not who I am. That's too bold for me - or beneath me." The mind creates a division, and all the potential that we deserve - and are destined for - is blocked. A major focus of the course is prayer as a form of creative manifestation. Using your creative power to shape your reality and attract prosperity (or whatever you desire) to you. Trusting that whatever you truly desire is in your highest interest. Through a prayer process, we tap into creative God energy inherent in all things - and choose to shape it towards the fulfillment of our heart-felt desires. What's a heart-felt desire? One that you can be grateful for from your heart. Needless to say, this course flies in the face of a lot of spiritual/religious teaching that claims that we must relinquish our desires, deny ourselves, and/or seek penance for our "sins." It's a course through Unity, a denomination of churches that combine metaphysical and "Christian" principles. (I put Christian in quotations only because these principles are shared by numerous religions and spiritualities.) I'd recommend this course for anyone who isn't afraid to admit that something like this could be FOR him/her.

Finally the music is coming together. It took 2 months and a software upgrade. And yes, it is the voice of healing, of being. Of Oneness. Like floating through an energetic snowstorm, lost in the cosmos. Led by a presence with wings, enveloped in eternity.

When I got home from work today, I was feeling terrible. As usual. Throughout much of the day, I was emotionally detached, and lived out - for yet another day - the habitual stress patterns of my life. Breathing shallowly. Tensing my stomach. Getting the work done as if it's being imposed upon me. Perfectionist. Narrow-minded in approach. No time for chit-chat. In other words, living out the detached, high-strung robotic workhorse of my past, born of a time when my life was school, and all my self-value derived from how well I did my work, and how much praise I received. Fortunately, I've found another way to live. But staying present in that relaxed, sensitive, warm state of being is tough when I'm at work, particularly when I'm deadline-driven (hey, that's my job as a grantwriter!) So as the day came to a close, and I began to relax and connect to my feelings, I experienced, as I always do, a tidal wave of suffering, grief, sadness... pain. All of the feelings that arose during the day, as I plodded along in my robotic state of being, but didn't acknowledge, or give voice to. I got home, and as I sat in my recliner, I felt the urge to pull out the keyboard (of the synthesizer, that is) and improvise. For twenty minutes, I sat there and expressed my suffering through dissonant, atonal music, accompanied at times by moans and wimpers. I thought it would make me feel better - to let it out in musical form - but no, it made me feel even worse. I am entering a time in my life where music - my music - will become much more important. But through this experience, I've realized that the music can't just be a meditation upon my pain. It needs to be the voice of healing. The touch of a warm hand on my suffering body. I've certainly heard lots of music by fellow contemporary composers that must be motivated by their pain... While I have a certain appreciation for it, I don't want to spend my life trapped where I am, reliant on the public performance for validation and a sense of release.

Looking at my previous post, it's funny to realize how much in a period of transition I am. One indication of this is that I've decided to scale back the extent to which I follow the meditation practice, Sahaj Marg, that I have been doing for about 4 years, and begin to embrace other spiritual modalities and communities. My approach to Sahaj Marg, a form of heart-based raja yoga, had become rather ascetic in the past few months, as I had sought to curb the extent to which I act upon desires - such as eating to fulfill emotional needs, or sexual lust, or staring at visually-beautiful people. I had been convinced that doing so would create the inner condition necessary for rapid spiritual development. But at the same time, I had noticed over the past few months that my experience of reality is becoming more intense. I have inner feelings on multiple levels - physical, emotional, various types of energies. Each moment is a rich fabric of feeling and, quite often, of intuition - as my earthly and spiritual bodies sends messages through various means (mind, emotions, heart & solar plexus feelings, and other sensations) to guide current action. And there is a dawning realization that, in addition to being inherently sensitive, and am also inherently sensual. [Now that I think about it, that's not really a new realization, but one I had simply abandoned in my drive to spiritual enlightenment.] To add to this, a friend recently described a different way for me to regard desires. Rather than being elements of the human condition that put bar to spiritual advancement, desires can actually be the means to such development. Desires lead one to be exposed to new experiences, which are opportunities for growth and revelation. The trick is to not over-indulge those desires, because one can then become stagnated in one's development. Rather, using desires as road signs on the path through life, cognizant of the need to not become permanently attached to any one experience. Well, you know, I'm not one to delay the inevitable... Last night I attended a class on Tantra Yoga, a path of spiritual development that involves sensuality, sexuality, and intimacy - and their connection to love and spirituality. Though I was the only single person in the class (the rest were in couples), I had a strong sense that this is part of my path. So, er, um... If you, like, know anyone who'd like study tantra with me... I need some assistance :-) Heh, heh... (I'm being serious!)